Back in March I began a six part series that began with ,
Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. It had to do with what Elias refers to as our perceptual orientations. The three orientations (common-66%, soft-22% and intermediate-12%) are the lenses through which we process our reality. This post is a continuation of “Keeping Up With The Joneses,” and is intended to give us a better understanding of individual differences and why comparing keeps us from understanding our individual natures.
Let’s admit it. We all prefer to fit in. There isn’t just one Goth. They form a group known collectively as “The Goths.” They may be different than mainstream folks, but within their own group they are very similar. The same can be said for Vegans, Nudists, Vampires (yes, there is a group that considers themselves vampires) and every other group that hovers about the periphery of main stream culture. When an individual doesn’t feel they fit in because their penchant for comparing tells them they don’t fit in they will seek a way to feel accepted. They will either splinter off and draw like-minded folks to themselves or they will use their comparing skills and alter their individual nature. The trouble is, you can’t alter your orientation. Alright, alright!! For you Elias purists it’s not an absolute that you can’t change your orientation, but the VAST majority of us don’t. If you’re born of the common orientation it’s likely you will bring it to the grave with you.
I have the common orientation, which, in a way, makes it easier for me to navigate this reality. If none of us compared, and then judged the comparison, then all three orientations would sail on calm waters. But, we do, and so we don’t. We often don’t understand each other because we hold our own perceptions as truth and often don’t understand where someone else might be coming from. We ACT as if our perception is the only valid perception, which sets us up immediately to move into judgment mode, or what Elias refers to as non-acceptance. My perception is valid for me. Where I run into trouble is when I act as though your perception is wrong. Let me get this in bold letters: THERE AIN’T NO RIGHT PERCEPTION. There’s no right way to process this world. If you want to wear a checked shirt with stripped pants, it matters not that no one else is. If you snicker at someone wearing such an outfit and feel puffed-up in your Ann Taylor suit then you are comparing and using the comparison to inflate yourself. You’re in non-acceptance mode.
This is not to say that wearing designer clothes is any better or worse than wearing your older sister’s hand-me-downs that were purchased at K-Mart. It is the comparing and the non-acceptance of differences that stirs up the seas. The religious expression, “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven,” had to be coined by a poor man. Rich/poor, black/white, fast/slow, big/little, saint/sinner are all a part of the duality of this reality. Where, along the continuum from rich to poor, is it best to be? Where, along the continuum from saint to sinner, is it best to be? Personally, I prefer to be left of center on this one. I find sinners far more interesting people. Not that being a saint is bad, mind you, it’s just my perception.
Where orientations become a problem is generally in relationships, although soft and intermediate can often feel like a square peg in a round hole if they are unaware of orientations in general and what specific orientation they use. For instance, if a common is married to an intermediate and they each believe their perception is the ‘correct’ perception then conflict is going to ensue and neither will understand the other. If we ceased comparing our perceptions for the purpose of either validating ourselves or diminishing another we’d meet with far fewer conflicts.
Another problem with comparing is our penchant for personalizing another’s perception. The Ann Taylor woman has a blind date with the checks and stripes guy. When they meet her brows lift and nostrils flare as she informs her date that stripes and checks don’t match. Now, if Mr. Stripes and Checks personalizes Ms. Ann Taylor’s perception he will see that he has made a grave mistake in fashion do’s and don’ts and will feel belittled. But, let’s say Mr. Stripes and Checks has been reading the Elias transcripts for a number of years and understands acceptance, beliefs, and perception. He doesn’t personalize Ms. Ann Taylor’s perception of him. He accepts himself and his choices just as he accepts his date’s choices and perception. “Ann,” he says. “I appreciate your perception regarding my striped shirt and checked pants. However, I like the way stripes and checks look together.”
What happened there was Mr. S&C accepted Ms. AT’s perception and accepted his own, both without judgment. He didn’t oppose her projected energy and so it was neutralized. He didn’t feel bad about himself, and Ms. AT likes that in a man. They had a nice dinner together and spent the night at a Motel 6. The moral of personalizing perception is, “Don’t allow someone else’s perception decide how you feel about yourself and you, too, might get lucky.”
Bill Marshall