Personal Responsibility

I don’t know of a single person who, at one time or another, hasn’t felt responsible for another human being. In particular we feel responsible for our children, but we also feel responsible for the feelings our actions may create in others. I want to talk about personal responsibility, but I am going to do it by rephrasing part of an Elias transcript (session 593) and adding some of my own thoughts.

The issue of personal responsibility involves turning your attention away from yourself and onto the creations/experiences of someone else, usually someone you
think needs fixing. In turning your attention onto them you assume responsibility for their reality. We camouflage this action of personal responsibility by calling it caring, compassion, sympathy, helpfulness, guidance and love. We, as good individuals, wish to offer help and support to those we feel are in need. What we are really saying is that the individual that we are feeling responsible toward is not capable of creating their reality as well as I can create it for him. In other words, they make bad choices. Most of us in our actions of personal responsibility for others feel that our fixing a part of someone else’s reality will make their lives better and happier.

Now, we may say to ourselves: “I create my own reality and others create their reality,” but the underlying belief is quite different, and it is our actions that express the underlying belief. Put another way, what we do will reveal the operative belief. What we really believe is that we create our reality some of the time and others create their reality some of the time, but we know what is best for them. It works the other way as well. We believe that others can create our reality at times without our permission. This is the expression of victim.

It is important that we understand what assuming personal responsibility for others really is and how often we do it. We do it all the time. Assuming personal responsibility for others dooms us to failure. We fail because it is impossible for us to create anyone’s reality other than our own. Not only can we not create another’s reality, we cannot even influence another’s reality without their agreement. That agreement can be either subjective (what we call unconscious) or objective (what we call conscious), but without that agreement we will have no influence. If you lock your child in his room to keep him from hitting the streets to buy drugs and he stays in his room because he can’t get out, it is not you who has kept him in his room. It is him. He has subjectively agreed with you and has objectively created his own locked door. If he wasn’t in subjective agreement he would objectively be out on the streets. It looks like you created his reality, but
without his subjective agreement he’d be snorting a line of coke. What this means is that our influence is based upon the choice of another to receive our influence. This is not done by thought although at times it seems as though thought has decided to agree. If you’ve read some of my posts you understand that thought interprets and does not create.

All of this represents the power of choice, and choice is never denied. This is what we call free will and it is an innate element of each of us. Now, since underlying this reality is the reality of non-separation then each time we express personal responsibility for another we are simultaneously discounting ourselves. When we discount another in their ability to create their own reality we are discounting ourselves.
The rest of this post are some thoughts I have on what I just interpreted Elias as saying. Not taking personal responsibility for someone else does not mean we subjugate our natural inclination toward compassion. Compassion is defined as understanding without judgment. It is acceptance through understanding that individuals create perfectly within their intent and value fulfillment. Understanding without judgment facilitates the expression of love. So how can we be compassionate without taking personal responsibility for the person we are feeling compassionate toward; be it husband, wife, child, friend or any of the billions of the down-and-outers? We do it by following our preferences and our individual guidelines without holding any expectations as to the outcome. For instance, it is part of my guidelines to provide financial support to my children until they are through with college. I don’t expect their gratitude, although I seem to get it. I don’t expect them to do anything with their education other than what they desire to do with it. If they ask my advice I give it, but without any expectation that they will follow my advice. I am not responsible for their feelings, just as they are not responsible for mine. We may trigger each other’s feelings, but we are not responsible for them. To think otherwise would make each of us victims of each other.

Expectations regarding outcomes often block the outcome we desire. Remember how you felt when you gave a gift and didn’t receive a thank you? When you give a buck to a panhandler do you hope he will spend it wisely? If so, then this is an expectation. I give because it makes me feel good. This is my preference. There are no strings attached to my compassion. I require nothing for it. Worry and guilt are not a part of compassion, but can be a large part of taking personal responsibility for someone else. So, be compassionate without expectations, but eliminate your tendency to take personal responsibility for others. Follow your own guideline and preferences, while holding no one else to the ones you follow. I think you will be quite surprised at the outcome of such a change in your behavior.
Bill Marshall